Heal This Hurt
by kaybee89
Summary: A flashback of the night Hyde found out Jackie's mother still wasn't home. T for minor swearing


Jackie looked across the small room to where Hyde lay sprawled across the cot that served as his bed, his curly hair covering that silly Spiderman pillowcase he loved so much. She watched as his chest rose and fell in a calm rhythm, lost in the deep, exhausted sleep that working so much did to him. A tender smile played about her lips as she glanced down at his feet, noticing that he hadn't even bothered to take his scuffed boots off before he'd collapsed into bed. Pulling her bare feet up into the pale green chair that served as the only other furniture in the spare basement room, Jackie rested her chin on her knees, locked her arms around her legs, and watched her boyfriend sleep.

He looked so peaceful when he slept, she noticed, with his face relaxed and his ever present sunglasses sitting askew on his nose. It was as if this boy… no, this man, was completely carefree. It was nice to see him this way, she thought. Truthfully, she worried about Hyde more than she would ever admit. With all his past troubles concerning his broken family and the fact that he worked harder and more often than any teenager should have to, Jackie feared he was slipping. Not away from her necessarily, but deeper inside himself. He was already so cold and aloof most of the time; it was hard for her to tell what went on underneath those dark blond curls. _Well, I guess he's not aloof,_ Jackie thought to herself with a smile, _he's __**Zen. **_

Lost in her own thoughts, Jackie didn't even notice when Hyde's calm, rhythmic breathing changed. Behind his sunglasses, Hyde opened his eyes and blinked the sleep from his bleary eyes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Jackie sitting in his chair, but her face remained the same despite his being awake. Figuring that she couldn't see his open eyes, he remained still and watched her watch him.

She was beautiful. There really wasn't any getting around it. She couldn't be more than 100 pounds soaking wet, but her pretty dark curls were so soft… so easy to run his fingers through. And her eyes… man, he had never seen eyes like hers before. Those brown doe eyes of hers were big enough to get lost in. Jackie was everything that he was not, truth be told, and every time he looked at her he couldn't help but wonder why it was she chose to be with him.

Unable to suppress a yawn any longer, Hyde stretched his arms over his head and looked over at Jackie who perked right up.

"Hi, Steven!" She said eagerly. Although the shrill pitch of her excited voice was a little much to handle after he'd just woken up, Hyde didn't say anything as he was momentarily distracted by the way the dim light of the basement room shone in her smile, and how her curls bounced when she perked her head up.

"Hey Doll," he said quietly as he swung his legs over the edge of the cot. Sliding his fingers under his sunglasses, he tried to rub the tiredness from his eyes. He had worked twelve hour shifts at the Photo Hut the past four days in a row, and sleep had become a second priority. Jackie untangled herself from the squishy chair, climbing over the matching footstool to join Hyde on the bed. She sat down facing him, tucking her feet underneath her small frame and leaning forward she kissed him on the cheek.

"What time did you get home last night?" She asked, reaching a hand up to rub her fingers through his unruly hair.

Hyde shrugged and answered with a sigh. "Around two, I think. Leo had me wait around to pick up a shipment of film.

"What kind of person develops film at two in the morning? And why would Leo keep it open that late anyway?" Jackie said shaking her head.

"Jackie, I wasn't waiting around for film. I was waiting for _film_. You know… the flammable kind." Jackie rolled her eyes, making the connection and stifled the laughter that threatened to bubble over. "Besides," Hyde continued. "I don't mind too much. I mean without Leo, I wouldn't have a job to begin with."

"Or film," Jackie hinted, feeling the warmth spread through her belly as Hyde rewarded her with a surprised smile.

"Exactly," he said laughing. "And I honestly can't live without my film."

"I know, I know," Jackie said quietly, looking down at her lap. "I just… well, I just wish you didn't have to work so much. Or so hard, that's all. I miss you."

Jackie braced herself for another lecture on the importance of his job, or boundaries, or how missing her boyfriend was just another way for the Establishment to control her every emotion and make her want him to buy her meaningless crap providing corporate America with a steady revenue source... with Hyde, it was always something. And now that he was so tired, she never knew if she was going too far or saying too much. He took her by surprise however, when he leaned over, lifting her mouth to his and kissed her without a word. It lasted only a moment with hardly a second of time passing before their lips parted, but the moment was so romantic that the words he spoke afterward made Jackie's heart melt.

"I missed you too," he said as he reached up and brushed a stray tendril of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.

She smiled, afraid that her heart would burst with all the feeling that was currently residing inside of it. A thousand things to say came to mind, about how their love was an unbreakable bond that would withstand their shitty families, his poverty, and her lack of an internal filter. But she surprised herself by swallowing them all down; keeping the phrases that she knew would annoy him to no end locked deep down inside of her.

"Are you still tired?" She asked instead, grabbing his hand and placing it in her lap. She slowly began to trace his fingers, loving how the feel of his rough, calloused hands felt in her own.

Despite himself, Hyde felt a shiver travel up his spine as she held his hand, slowly tracing the lines of his palm over and over. He'd never admit it, but he liked it when she held his hand. He liked the feel of her small, perfectly manicured hands in his own, and he sorely missed them when they weren't touching him in some way.

He nodded. "Yeah," he answered. "I just haven't caught up with my sleep yet."

Jackie looked up at him and tilted her head to the side. "Well, then you should rest." With a decisive nod, she jumped up from the bed and let go of his hand, standing up and smoothing down the skirt of her dress. "Go back to sleep," she ordered. "When you wake up we can go down to the Hub and grab something to eat."

Although he felt like there were two ton anvils glued to his eyelids, and his muscles were aching from pure exhaustion, Hyde had no interest in sleeping. He'd already missed four days worth of time with her, and was sure he needed to suck it up. "Aw, c'mon Jackie… you just got here. Stay awhile." Reaching up to grab her hand, he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles reveling in their unblemished smoothness.

While the hints of a blush were forming on her cheeks, and the thought of staying with Hyde was almost more than she could bear, Jackie shook her head quickly. "No, Steven. You need to sleep," she said gently, but with enough force for him to know she was serious. She started to pull her hand away as Hyde sighed. While a part of him… a very large, domineering part of him… told him to be Zen and let her go, the thought of her walking out that door and leaving him by himself was not very satisfactory. So he ignored his Zen-like inner voice and tightened his hold on her fingers.

"I will sleep," he said, responding to her stubbornness. "But why don't you stay with me while I do it."

He watched as the corners of her lips turned up into a bemused half-smile, and he knew what she was thinking. Although he had tried hard to keep all emotion, all pleading out of his voice, he wasn't entirely sure he'd succeeded. She loved it when he acted even remotely like one of those mindless, moral-less drones on her soap operas, all sappy and nauseatingly romantic, and by asking her to stay with him he was "being open" with her. He shuddered at the thought, but concentrated on keeping his facial expression as emotionless and oblivious as possible, all the while tightening his hold on her hand and hoping that she'd crawl back onto the bed with him.

She pretended to think about it for a moment, letting him wait for an answer. She knew all along that she would crawl over him, slide her legs under the blankets, and wrap her arms around him while he slept. But she enjoyed moments such as this, where she had the upper hand and could leave him hanging in suspense if only for a few moments. His face was as expressionless as ever, and his eyes remained hidden under those stupid glasses he never seemed to take off, but he wanted her to stay.

It was nice to be wanted.

"Oh alright," she said finally, letting the small smile that played about his lips fill her with the warm joy that only he could give her. He helped her step up onto the cot before kicking off his boots, letting them fall to the floor with a small thud, before swinging his legs back up onto the bed. She tucked herself in around him, snuggling her head onto his chest and letting her arm drape itself across his stomach. She smiled to herself as his pale arm snuck its way around her waist and pulled her closer to him still. They were a tangle of arms and legs, and for a moment they each enjoyed the quiet of each other's embrace.

In the next room, the low hum of the TV and the sounds of their friends' voices floated in through the slightly open door. Donna's laughter, warm and vibrant melded with Eric's chuckles and Kelso's chortle as they listened to Fez go on about some ridiculous thing or other that he'd managed to get himself into earlier that day. Hyde liked listening to them talk and laugh about nothing important, and let their familiar voices carry him to the edge of consciousness. Just as he was about to drift off completely, a thought struck him.

"Hey," he said, opening his eyes and looking down at Jackie. "Where have you been the past few nights? You never showed up."

Jackie tilted her head up to look at him and shrugged, and as she did Hyde could feel the bones shift underneath her skin. She was really too thin, he noticed.

"Well, I didn't know when you'd be here, so I just stayed at home," she answered simply.

_Home,_ thought Hyde. _What a joke that is_. They both knew that "home" for Jackie consisted of a big, beautiful house filled with expensive furniture and empty promises, with rooms that thanks to her mother's abandonment and her father's corruptness now lay permanently void of human contact. For the past few weeks, Jackie had snuck into the Forman's basement to stay with Hyde while they slept, if only so she didn't have to be alone. She had been careful not to let anyone know, leaving when Red kicked them all out around ten and sneaking back in late at night through the screen door. She would tip toe through the dark basement, swallowing her fear of the shadows that lurked in the far corners of the room, and head towards the warm yellow glow that filtered underneath Hyde's door. He was always up waiting for her, sitting in the chair with his sunglasses perched on his head and his arms crossed over his chest, lost in his own thoughts.

At first, Jackie didn't like the idea of staying over, mostly because she had done everything in her power to make sure that no one knew she was alone in the first place. If Hyde hadn't insisted on walking her home one night, she was certain she would have been able to keep everything a secret for a while longer.

The night he walked her home was clear and cold, clouds of breath escaping from their lips as they walked arm in arm down the frosty sidewalk. Above them a sea of stars lay twinkling, looking down on them from their perch in the Heavens. Jackie's cheeks were pink from the cold, and she snuggled her face closer to Hyde, trying to block the wind from whipping across her face.

"Winter blows," she said, breaking the rare silence that had stretched between them with her muffled voice. Beneath her cheek she could feel the rumble of Hyde's laughter in his chest and, if her face hadn't been so cold, she would have smiled with pleasure.

"Welcome to Wisconsin," he said, rubbing his hand up and down her arm in an attempt to warm her.

"I can't wait to move somewhere warm. Like California, or Arizona… or even Mexico maybe," Jackie said, momentarily losing herself in the thoughts of warm ocean waters and long stretches of white beach, pink sunrises and red sunsets.

"Jackie, you don't speak Spanish," Hyde said, amused.

Rolling her eyes Jackie answered back, "Ok, well maybe not Mexico then. I don't actually care where I go as long as it's someplace where I don't have to hide my cute clothes under all these bulky jackets and scarves."

Hyde shook his head at her vanity but chose to ignore it. "It's only cold three months out of the year," he said simply, trying to bring Jackie some perspective. Truthfully, he didn't like talking about the future, let alone her moving away. He didn't like to imagine a time or place where she wouldn't be right by his side.

"But it's never cold in California," she argued. "Like, ever. No snow, no wind, no ice, no shoveling…"

It was Hyde's turn to sigh. "Jackie, you've never shoveled a day in your life." He suppressed a smile as the thought of her doing any manual labor was fairly comical, let alone performing it in twenty something temperatures.

"Whatever," she said finally, failing to come up with a significant comeback or argument. As they turned onto her street, she silenced herself and tried to count to a high number employing the trick that kept her from talking too much around Hyde. She began to count silently to herself, adding cosmetics or a clothing item after each number to make it more interesting.

_Ten Abba Gold Records… twenty-two hair curlers… forty six pairs of kitten heels…_

Even in the dark, the houses in Jackie's neighborhood were intimidating to Hyde. They were so big and well kept… he couldn't imagine actually living in a house that nice. Before he'd moved in with Eric, the nicest house he'd ever lived in not only had an army of mice in the basement, but the siding was rotted through and the shingles liked to fall off the roof every time a door inside the house would slam shut. The carpet was never clean, mold and mildew grew along the shower tiles, and the furniture reeked of spilled booze and cigarette smoke. Not exactly high quality living arrangements.

Not only did people who looked like him not belong with people who looked like Jackie, but people who came from run down box houses like his just didn't match up with girls who lived in…

_… Houses like that. _Hyde looked up at the dark house that loomed over them, dark and as intimidating as all the others. Painted a fresh, crisp shade of white with a wraparound porch, Jackie's house looked charming during the daylight hours. The freshly cut grass and strategically landscaped lawn gave the appearance of a well to do, happy family that lived inside. Hyde had never actually been inside, but he imagined the inside was just as polished and well taken care of as its outer shell.

They walked up the front steps together, their footsteps echoing in the quiet all around them, and crossed the porch to the door. Jackie didn't reach for her keys right away, and Hyde assumed it was because she wanted a kiss. Leaning down, he looked at her face which was still huddled into his side. A frown pulled down at the corners of her lips and a crease had formed between her eyebrows as she stared at the front door. Glancing back up at the dark house, Hyde asked, "Is anybody home?"

It took a moment before the question registered with Jackie, so preoccupied was she with staring at the front door. After a few seconds though, her head snapped up and a smile replaced the worried frown. "Oh, probably not… but it's still kinda early. My mom said she'd be home late."

She slid away from Hyde's side and pulled out her keys, searching for the right one in the dark before taking a step forward and sticking the key in the lock. She turned the key and with a slight click and with the jangle of her multiple gaudy key chains, the door swung open. She looked in the dark rectangle of space for a moment before turning around and asking, "You want to come in for a minute?"

Curiosity outweighed his confusion, because for as long as he had known Jackie he had never been asked or allowed inside of her house. Shrugging in response he followed her inside, stepping over the threshold and into the dark foyer.

In front of him, Jackie was fumbling along the wall looking for the light switch. Hyde shut the door behind him, expecting the light to turn on as he did so. About ten feet away from him Jackie's shadowy form stood still, and the click of a light switch could be heard as she flipped it over and over again, but no light came.

"Oh no," Hyde heard her whisper to the darkness after a few flicks.

"What's wrong?" He asked stupidly, taking a tentative step toward her. "Is the power out or something?"

Jackie turned around slowly, and as Hyde's eyes adjusted he could start to see her facial features become more prominent. The worried crease had made its way back between her eyebrows, and it looked so strange on her usually smiling and innocent face that Hyde had the sudden urge to take his hand and smooth it away. Instead, he stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and leaned back against the door, waiting for her to say something. As he did, he noticed how cold the air inside the house was. Glancing down, he watched as his breath formed a cloud as it escaped his mouth.

"Jackie, why is your heat off?" He asked as a shiver ran up his spine.

But she said nothing. She just stood there leaning against the wall and frowning, her head down as if she were ashamed.

Alarms started to go off in Hyde's mind as he stared over at the slouched form of his girlfriend. There was no heat, there was no electricity, and there was no Mrs. Burkhart.

"Jackie," he said after a long pause, which was punctuated only by the ticking of the Grandfather clock in the next room. "Where's your mom?"

When she didn't answer he covered the small distance between them, sliding his hands out of his pockets and cupping them around the sides of her tiny doll face. Her cheeks felt stiff and cold under his fingertips. Gently he lifted her face so that she was looking up at him, and for a moment he was struck by the way the moon's glow filtering in through the windows made her look even more beautiful than before. "Jackie, answer me. Where's your mom?"

Without breaking his gaze, she answered him, her voice barely above a whisper. "She's not coming back."

"What do you mean she's not coming back? You told Mrs. Forman that she came back like a week ago."

"Well she didn't," Jackie snapped, pulling away his hands. Folding her arms across her chest as if she were trying to physically hold herself together, she walked around Hyde and toward the living room. She could hear Hyde's footsteps following behind her, and she bit her lip to keep back the flow of tears that had suddenly decided to take up residence in her eyes. She sat down on the large sofa, sinking into its comfortable cushions. Crouching down in front of her Hyde put his hands on her knees and looked up at her distraught face.

"How come?" He asked.

"How come? How Come!" She yelled suddenly, throwing her hands up in the air. "I don't know Steven. I have no idea why the hell partying down in Mexico sexing up cabana boys and chugging tequila is more important to my floozy mother than coming home to take care of me. I have no idea why she won't come home, no matter how much I beg over the phone, and I…" She trailed off for a moment, her voice getting lost amidst the sobs that tore across her tongue, raw and angry. Taking a ragged breath she raised her shoulders in defeat. "I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to do."

"Jackie," Hyde said as her tears continued to fall. "Baby, it's okay."

"No, it is not okay," she snapped again, the bitterness soaking her words. "They turned off my electricity, Steven, and my heat. It's like ten degrees outside… what the hell am I supposed to do? She won't listen to me and come home… God, she won't even send me some money to take care of myself. Everything is not fucking okay, and it's not going to be okay so don't you dare try to tell me it is!"

Reaching a hand up, Hyde wiped away the fallen tears on her cheeks with his thumb. He had never seen her so upset, and seeing her fall apart like this was scary. Jackie wasn't supposed to be sad, and she certainly didn't cry. Ever. Jackie was like a loud, peppy, extremely annoying rock… sturdy and strong when it came to the things that mattered. Watching her cry, Hyde felt a part of him rip apart inside of his chest and he found himself wanting to put her beautiful, annoying smile back on her face. He kissed her hand and stood up, holding his open hand out to her.

"C'mon," he said. "You'll come stay with me."

"Steven…" she sniffed, arguments already poised and ready.

"No, seriously, Jackie," he said, cutting her off before she could disagree. "You can't stay here all alone."

"But… what about Red?"

"What about him?" Hyde asked as the image of Red's angry face swam in front of his eyes, shiny and slightly purple.

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Steven, you know exactly what will happen if Red finds out I'm staying the night with you. I may be tiny and cute, but to Red I'm not above getting a giant foot in the ass."

Sighing, Hyde turned and sat back down on the coach next to her, close enough that he could feel her shaking body. She turned her head refused to look at him, looking out the window instead. The moonlight glittered on the frost that had already formed on the lawn, and it was beautiful. For a moment, she lost herself in childhood memories of waiting and praying for the first snowfall. God, how she'd loved it.

n her mind's eye she watched her small, dark haired self giggle with delight as her mother lay on the ground with her, wrapped up in layers of clothing, and making snow angels in the fluffy white snow. Afterwards, when her fingers and toes were numb from cold, her mother would take her hand, leading her inside and sitting her down at the kitchen counter. She would talk, her mouth running a mile a minute and her mother would listen, smiling and agreeing, occasionally asking a question while she made hot cocoa. As a child, Jackie would wonder why her mother put that clear liquid in her own cocoa… dumping in splash after splash until her cup was practically overflowing with the sharp smelling drink that burned her nostrils when she smelled it. But afterwards, when the cocoa was gone, her mother would be so much fun! She would turn on some music, tie colorful silk scarves around her head and dance around the kitchen island, making Jackie laugh so hard she could barely breathe as she sung into broom handles and kitchen utensils.

When had her mother stopped laughing with her? When had the smiles and encouragement stopped? Or had all of it been just a figment of her imagination, a product of an overly active childhood mind and a mother who couldn't make it through the day without a few drinks? Jackie couldn't remember.

What she did know, however, was that she did not want to be pitied. She was above everyone else's pity, and she hated to have people… especially the people she cared about… know that she was alone and in trouble. She wished that she had never asked Hyde to come inside in the first place. If she hadn't, she would be sitting here completely alone with her bittersweet memories, not having to regain her composure so that Hyde wouldn't see her cry anymore. She just hadn't wanted to be alone in her big, empty house, and she liked the way she felt when Hyde was with her. Like the giant space around her heart that was usually filled with so much abandonment and loneliness shrunk, leaving room for only the good thoughts and feelings that made her glow with happiness.

"Jackie?" Hyde asked finally, hesitantly placing a hand on her arm. "Why don't you want to stay with me? I know you don't like the cot very much, but it's really not that bad."

"No, that's not it," she said hurriedly. "I just… I just don't want you to pity me. I don't need it, and I don't want it."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," he said, shifting his weight so that he was almost completely facing her stern profile. "I mean, if you don't want me to feel sorry for you then I won't. But turning down a warm bed just because you're too proud to admit that you need help is just plain idiotic, Jackie."

Her lip quivered, but no new tears came. "But this is all I have," she said, gesturing to the dark, empty room. "This house, these things… it's all I've got left."

"That's not true and you know it," Hyde said gently, his voice low. "You've got Mrs. Forman and Red, a group of friends who love you… I mean, when you're not talking. Or bossing them around… or listening to that ABBA garbage."

A surprised half smile broke onto her face at that, and taking it as encouragement to continue he went on. "And Jackie, you've got me. I'm here, and I'm trying to take care of you. Let me do that," he continued. "I've never wanted to take care of anyone before in my life… but I want to help you. And I can help you, Doll. I can."

As she let this sink in, she raised her eyes to his. There was no sarcasm or humor hiding behind them, and she knew he was being completely straight with her. Besides, there was nothing to keep her here anyway. It was empty and cold, but she knew where she was going would be safe and warm. Slowly, she nodded her head in consent and, after leaning into him, was rewarded with a kiss on her forehead. They sat that way for a few moments, her huddled body wrapped in his arms which felt strong and sturdy. Those arms would keep her together, she assured herself, and they would keep her from falling to pieces.

Hyde stared out the front window as he held her, doing the best he could to keep the sting of abandonment from rubbing her raw. As her breathing calmed, he got lost in the feel of her smooth forehead against his neck and the way her hair smelled… God the way her hair smelled. It was only her shampoo, some fruity concoction that reminded him of mangos and tangerines, but it was delicious and opened up a series of feelings inside of him that Hyde was not ready to feel yet. Because if he opened those doors and let those feelings take over, he wasn't sure he could ever shut them away again. He knew what to say to make her feel better, and he knew that if he said it, he would mean it. But those three little words weren't so little, really; opening himself up for that kind of vulnerability was something that he typically scoffed at. So despite the fact that the words sat there at the back of his throat, practically begging to be said, he closed his eyes and swallowed them back down.

He wouldn't say it now… it wasn't the right time.

As Jackie clung to him, Hyde thought of the drastic transformation that he'd undergone with her the past few months. He'd gone from barely acknowledging her presence, to making out with her on the basement couch, to loving the way her small frame felt as he held her against his chest. What was happening to him?

While Hyde sat lost in his own self criticism, slowly Jackie sat up and angrily wiped the drying tears from her damp cheeks. She could feel how puffy her eyes were, and how warm her face was, and she cringed at the thought of how terrible she probably looked. She took a deep breath, watching as her exhaling breath escaped in a steamy grey cloud. Seeing the puffs of breath materialize before her eyes, she felt so ridiculous, another wave of embarrassment swept over her. Seeming to sense her shame, Hyde placed a strong hand on her knee and squeezed it gently.

"C'mon," he said assertively. "Let's go home."

He stood up then and held out his hand for her to take. Before she could stop herself, she reached up, lacing her fingers with his rough and calloused ones. He led her out of the room, walking towards the foyer and the front door, his scuffed steps echoing off of the silent rooms. As they reached the front door, Jackie watched as Hyde placed his free hand on the shiny doorknob. Once he turned that handle and they walked out of the house that would be it. Something was ending here, and Jackie could feel it. She glanced around her, looking for nothing in particular but feeling a sudden urgency to say something, to do something. This house was all she'd ever known, the only place she had ever lived, and leaving it now was harder than she had thought it would be.

Seeming to sense her hesitation as he cracked open the door, Hyde turned his head to look back at her. "It's okay," he said quietly, squeezing her hand. Standing there in the doorway, the dark, silent rooms behind her, she looked so small and afraid… like an apprehensive child. Hyde wasn't sure he was doing the smart thing by having her come and stay in the basement with him, but he knew it was the right thing. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to take the hurt away from someone else, lift the burden she had been carrying around for weeks off of her petite shoulders and shoulder it as his own. He was used to pain and the way the feeling of abandonment stung like a salt in an open wound, but he also knew that with time and support those wounds would close. She wouldn't always hurt like this… and if he had any say in it he would be the one to help it disappear.

He gently tugged on her hand a second time, urging her to take that first step forward. She nodded her head once, a firm and decisive nod, and walked forward tucking herself back into Hyde's side. Together, they walked out the door and down the front walk, and Jackie didn't look back.


End file.
